Immediately, the Lord blessed me by placing me into a wonderful church in the Sacramento, California area. My heart came alive to God and to His purposes. I began to thrive and move forward in ministry and as a leader.
Although in 2002, I began to struggle with panic attacks and fear. The spiritual warfare was almost too much to bear. It was during that time that the Lord was telling me, as a leader, it was time to deal with some issues from my childhood. To allow God to touch some places of my heart that I had locked off from Him. So, my season of healing began. The Lord allowed me to stay in ministry as He worked on my heart and as He began to untangle all the sin that was done to me, and the sin I actively chose to do in my younger years.
Although in 2002, I began to struggle with panic attacks and fear. The spiritual warfare was almost too much to bear. It was during that time that the Lord was telling me, as a leader, it was time to deal with some issues from my childhood. To allow God to touch some places of my heart that I had locked off from Him. So, my season of healing began. The Lord allowed me to stay in ministry as He worked on my heart and as He began to untangle all the sin that was done to me, and the sin I actively chose to do in my younger years.
As God walked me through a journey of healing, He also began to show me how many leaders all over the place were struggling. It was in this season He gave me an increased passion to serve and minister to His leaders.
He began to show me how Christian leaders all over the world are struggling with hidden places of sin; broken places that were not being renewed by God's love. For these leaders it could be it anger, lust, pornography, unforgiveness, bitterness, jealousy, hatred, self-hatred, shame, condemnation, insecurity or fear. This list could go on and on.
What I realized during my season of healing is that God's leaders are in as much bondage as God's people. The book of Isaiah was written to God's children in captivity. I was a leader in bondage and I did not even know it until God began to set me free. I did not know the level of self-hatred and self-condemnation until God began to move upon my heart. It all came as I allowed God to renew my mind and heart with His Word (Truth).
What I realized during my season of healing is that God's leaders are in as much bondage as God's people. The book of Isaiah was written to God's children in captivity. I was a leader in bondage and I did not even know it until God began to set me free. I did not know the level of self-hatred and self-condemnation until God began to move upon my heart. It all came as I allowed God to renew my mind and heart with His Word (Truth).
God cares about the heart and lives of His leaders. He wants His leaders to learn how to throw off the sin that entangles them (Hebrews 12:1-2). Whether the sin (offenses and pain) is from the past or if it is present temptations. God wants His leaders thriving and moving the Kingdom of God forward.
I am passionate about seeing God's leaders freed up to be and do all that God calls them to do. To be equipped with the resources they need to have thriving lives and ministries. To see leaders in community with other leaders and encouraging one another to walk into the fullness of God's plans for their lives! To see the life of Christ flowing abundantly from them (John 10:10b).
I am passionate about seeing God's leaders freed up to be and do all that God calls them to do. To be equipped with the resources they need to have thriving lives and ministries. To see leaders in community with other leaders and encouraging one another to walk into the fullness of God's plans for their lives! To see the life of Christ flowing abundantly from them (John 10:10b).
Perissos Institute, which is my own personal ministry, was birthed out of this season. It was birthed out of a passion to see God's leaders thriving and as I said above - moving full-throttle ahead with all hindrances out of the way!
Below, you will find a more detailed version of "My Story" and how I came back to the Lord and the power of His healing and His redemption in my life.
Some people have said in gossip about me, that I am too heavenly focused. Well, honestly, I can't live any other way. When you read my story and hear the depths of darkness and pain I walked through, you will know why Jesus consumes my thoughts and heart 24/7. I agree with the Apostle Paul, with ALL of my heart. "Everything is garbage, rubbish, compared to the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus". There is no other desire on my heart than to live, breathe and have my being in Christ in all that I do. This takes focus and undistracted devotion to Him.
Some people have said in gossip about me, that I am too heavenly focused. Well, honestly, I can't live any other way. When you read my story and hear the depths of darkness and pain I walked through, you will know why Jesus consumes my thoughts and heart 24/7. I agree with the Apostle Paul, with ALL of my heart. "Everything is garbage, rubbish, compared to the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus". There is no other desire on my heart than to live, breathe and have my being in Christ in all that I do. This takes focus and undistracted devotion to Him.
MY STORY
"God's goodness is more important than your weakness and God's love is more powerful than your failures" - Father Gerard Hughes
I was six years old when I asked Jesus Christ into my heart. I fell head over heels in love with Him. I loved dressing up in my pink tutu and dancing freely in my room. Worship and prayer came natural to me, like breathing.
Shortly after this, my uncle sexually violated me and attempted to suffocate me to the point of death in order to keep me silent. Fear, shame and self-hatred took a deep root in my heart. They were like a rudder on a ship, and they became to shape my life.
Next, our home was consumed with violence and anger. Seeing what was happening around me, I was paralyzed for most of my life by fear. I rarely slept at night. The violence continued in our home while I was there. As a teen I gave up on God and I gave up praying and talking to the Lord. I believed the lies that God did not love me nor did He care about me. I believed the lies that He had no power to heal or free anyone from sin or bondage. I believed the lie that God was powerless in the face of evil.
At school, rejection, betrayal and never feeling like I fit in were common experiences. I became sexually active with my boyfriend when I was 16 years old with the hopes I would be loved and wanted. I was aching for unconditional love and acceptance.
Life at college was a party. I had two abortions during those years. Then, one night, my drink was laced at work, and I was raped by a Muslim man. When I woke up, he was choking me nearly to death and beating me, all while offering me up as a sexually sacrifice of worship to his god. Self-hated and self-destruction continued to explode in me. I did everything possible to tuck those areas of pain deep away, into hidden places in my heart.
Upon graduation, I moved from Minnesota to California where I met my first husband. Due to the dysfunction in both of us, this marriage failed in 1995. During that marriage, I had two miscarriages and was told I would never be able to have children. During the failure of that marriage, I met another man, Mike. Within months of our dating, we became pregnant. My life was completely falling apart and in absolute chaos.
I needed to run away. At five months pregnant, Mike and I left for a 3 week trip to Europe. While there, I picked up a book called the "God of Surprises" written by a Catholic Priest, Father Gerard Hughes. In Positano, Italy with tears streaming down my face, I read about a God I had not known. A God who could love someone as messed up as me.
When I met Jesus on a veranda overlooking the village of Positano, Italy... He was not looking at my circumstances, or the shame I was carrying. He looked into my heart and merely asked me, "do you want to come home Lori?" I wept in His presence. "Yes, Lord, I want to come home." In that moment, Jesus held me in His arms.
On that day, I gave my life back to Jesus Christ and I wrote a letter to this Catholic Priest. I called out to help from him and from God. I told him everything. Upon returning from our trip to Europe, there was a letter in my mailbox from this Catholic Priest. His words about transparency before God and prayer forever changed the entire course of my life. I began to pray to God from the deepest parts within me. He wrote:
Dear Lori,
Thank you for your letter from Italy and for your great trust in writing it. God creates out of chaos and God loves you unconditionally. We can know this with our heads but it takes a lifetime and many personally crisis' like your own for us to know this with our hearts.
From your letter, you feel such guilt over the failure of your marriage and over your present pregnancy that you can't face praying to God. God's goodness is more important than your weakness and God's love is more powerful than your failures.
So, however rotten and guilty you feel, show it all to God and pray to Him out of the deepest part of yourself the part that wants to be at one with Him, the "sheepdog" part of yourself. When you do this, you are letting God's Spirit hover over your chaos, bringing order and life out of it for you, for your child and for others.
So, don't let those guilty feelings prevent you from praying!
God bless you with love and peace,
Gerard Hughes
In 1996, Mike and I had our first child. In 1997, Mike and I were married and baptized together. I fell deeply in love with Jesus again. The Lord, through this letter pulled me into a intense lifestyle of contemplative prayer. The Word of God came alive to me and to know Jesus became the sole desire of my heart (Phil 3:7-11, Psalm 73:25). The Lord called me into full-time ministry. I knew my life was no longer my own. He divinely planted me in a growing, wonderful and thriving church.
In coming back to the Lord, I wrote it and spoke it across my heart that I would never look back. My motto was, "the old is dead, the new is here, forget the past and move on with Jesus"! I closed up the places of pain and kept my eyes on Jesus and the future.
Although Jesus' dream and purpose for my life entailed more than this. His desire was not only to see me come back to Him, His desire was to see me fully restored and healed so I could walk into the fullness of His plan for my life.
In 2002, I was a leader in ministry at the most amazing church. As I studied the Word more and more, I came to realize that I had some bad fruit in my life. I was doing all I knew to become free of it. During that time, I began to have paralyzing panic attacks in the middle of the night, and I struggled with intense fear. One night, the Lord said very audibly to me, "Lori, it is time to look back". In that moment I was so afraid. I was afraid that if I showed God the hidden places of my heart, that He too would not want me. I was terrified of being abandoned again. For me, I would rather die than to lose the love I was finding in Jesus.
Finally one night I surrendered. "Lord, I cried out, whatever it takes, I give you COMPLETE access to ALL of my heart." Immediately God set into motion His plan to RESCUE, HEAL and RESTORE me. The Lord said to me, "Lori, your heart is like a room with many hidden closets; we're going to go in and one by one I WILL REDEEM THEM ALL."
The first closet door to open was my abortions. In PACE, the Post Abortion Counseling & Educational Bible Study, the Lord began to remove layers of anger, shame, grief, fear and the unforgiveness I had towards myself. I was often overcome with a gripping fear that my children would die or be taken away. I never linked those with being post-abortive. I was so controlling over my children and so fearful something bad was going to happen to them because of my choices. Jesus healed me of this and began to unravel the deep self-hated that I had. He removed the shame and guilt I carried for taking the lives of my two children, Abigail and Matthew.
Following the PACE Bible Study, the Lord led me to a prayer ministry where I began to walk through a process of forgiveness towards those who hurt me, and repentance for sins I chose in my youth and in my first marriage. During this prayer ministry - the Lord continued to walk me through the closets of my heart and all the trauma that had piled up through my lifetime. He walked me through the molestation, the rapes, the rejection, the violence, and the fear I had of men in authority. It was not a journey of a one-time healing, it took years to begin to unravel all that Satan did to seek, kill and destroy me (John 10:10a). Jesus held me close and began healing each area of trauma, unraveling fear and the deep self-hatred.
The Lord then, began to bring me to places to be trained in the same sort of ministry. Bringing spiritual health to others who were wanting the abundant and overflowing life that Jesus speaks about in John 10:10b.
The Lord then, began to bring me to places to be trained in the same sort of ministry. Bringing spiritual health to others who were wanting the abundant and overflowing life that Jesus speaks about in John 10:10b.
What I learned in this season of healing was the Truth. Jesus does have the power to restore even the deepest of pain if we are willing to allow Him the access to our hearts. I learned He came to give life, and to give it abundantly (John 10:10b).
God restored me to the TRUTH of who He is. God is good. He is LOVE. He does CARE. He is always there with me. I am never alone. He does have the POWER to HEAL us and FREE us from sin and bondage.
I know without any doubt that His Word is true. Jesus is the King of Kings and the Lord of Lords. He is the Almighty One. He is a mighty God and He is mighty to save. Psalm 18 and Psalm 91 became the living passages of my life.
I know now that I am a beloved daughter of the Most High God. A daughter of the One who sits above the heavens and the earth and all things are under His feet. A daughter of my Heavenly Father. I know I am His delight, His princess, and like Gideon, His warrior.
I know God really likes me. I know without a doubt that He likes me and He loves me whether I succeed or fail. My identity does not depend on the opinions or thoughts of man, but upon my God (through His Word).
Although I am still in process with God and He still is showing me some more closets in heart to work through (being sanctified), I know I have come full circle with Him. He still is fortifying me in His Word.
I now choose to live transparently with God - 24/7. To walk with Him and talk with Him in each moment of my life (Psalm 27:8).
Jesus has made my heart alive again in Him. He has brought me back to the heart of the little girl who loves to pray and to worship all day long. Dancing intimately, expressively, and joyfully with Him.
A painting of me,
painted from my dear friend Carolyn Warner.
